There are several sperm banks you can choose from and they are more or less the same except that some give you different information about the donor. Either way, you get to feel like a total creep knowing way too much information about someone’s life (think: their entire family’s heights/weights/medical diagnoses/causes of death), not to mention you’re generally looking at pictures of children in order to buy their future sperm.
Speaking of feeling like a total creep, there are Facebook groups where you can connect with your “donor siblings” — i.e. other people who have children by the same sperm donor. They often will not let you into the group unless you have a live birth, because there’s a lot of people trying to “preview” what your donor contributes to their children, which is kind of creepy. However, it can be nice to find community here.
By the way, did I mention that sperm is expensive? And we’re in a sperm shortage (especially if you want a Black donor)? Donors get paid somewhere around $150 and their sperm sells for 10x that. Granted, the sperm has to go through all kinds of tests and washing, but still, damn.
Oh, and it’s not just the sperm. Since the vials are frozen, you have to pay for either overnight or two-day shipping, which is around $400 or $200, respectively, and definitely not stressful at all when you are having it delivered to Texas in July.
Anyway, back to the sperm banks. Whatever bank you go with, I would recommend signing up for their new donor alerts since donors often sell out fast and also their descriptions of donors are hilarious.
I would also recommend exploring the Sperm Bank Traffic Light Chart. The US Donor Conceived Council put this together - it’s a guide of sperm bank practices to consider when choosing your sperm bank.
Fairfax Cryobank
I started with a donor from this bank because it was the easiest to Google. They have a lot of information available about their donors — I would argue most sperm banks give you far more information that you ever want to know (e.g.: astrological sign, favorite animal, etc.). However, one critical thing they offer is a clip of the person’s voice. I had no idea how important this was until I heard the voice of this 6’, hazel-eyed donor with a Master’s degree.
Xytex
The other donors I used were from Xytex for the simple reason that you can see pictures of the donors as an adult for 30 days when you sign up for a free account. I learned very quickly that this was important to me — cute babies do not necessarily grow into cute adults!!! — but I know other people get squicked out by seeing actual pictures of the adult donor (or in some cases…the clearly-still-in-college donor whose sperm is going inside you). It feels very weird to be 35 and choosing a donor who is still in his early 20s but, you know, whatever works.
You can also read a fairly lengthy essay from the donor which, as a writer, is ultimately how I chose my current (final?) donor from this bank.
California Cryobank and Seattle Sperm Bank
I don’t really have experience with these, but they exist.
California Cryobank offers adult pictures, a recorded conversation, thorough essays, etc. but most are for an additional fee ($145 or $250 for 90 days).
Sperm Bank of California
This one is popular with other SMBCs because they limit family size to 10, whereas with other banks that “limit family size to 25” (quotes for skepticism, as it’s self-reported and no one monitors this) it’s very possible to have 100 donor siblings. Sperm Bank of California does not have anonymous donors, is a nonprofit, and generally seems fairly ethical. If I could go back in time, I might choose them.
My experience:
The million-dollar question — how did I choose a donor? (Yes, obviously there was a spreadsheet.)
My criteria were basically:
Over 6’ tall (later changed to 5’11)
Blue, green, or hazel eyes
Seemed like an interesting and good person
Voice does not give me the heebie jeebies (added in after Fairfax experience)
Someone recently pointed out to me that I was essentially looking for myself and what can I say, I am a perfect specimen.
With this criteria, I initially emerged with one (1) donor from Fairfax.
While there was only one donor I actually liked, I was hesitant to buy more than one vial for my first round of IUI. I was feeling lucky! What if it worked?
(Spoiler alert — it did not, and by the time I went to buy more, the donor was no longer in the program.)
Despite my friends joking that dick is not in short supply, sperm definitely is — and, again, it’s expensive ($1000+ per vial). I recently watched one donor who was 6’ with a Master’s degree ($1495 per vial) sell out all 25 vials in two hours.
For the second two rounds of IUI, I used a different donor (and bought two vials that time).
For IVF, I spent more time exploring my donor options. I ended up with a third donor, basically because nothing had worked up until that point and why not switch things up. I was concerned because he hadn’t updated his medical history since 2013, which likely means he hadn’t donated since then, and I didn’t know if it was bad for sperm to sit on ice for that long. While I do think this donor is cute, I ultimately chose him because his essay is one of the sweetest things I’ve ever read, and it makes me feel like he is a good person.
So, here he is, my donor:
See how weird it is to choose a donor this way?!
My advice:
If you are committed to pursuing pregnancy and find a donor you like, do not wait to buy vials assuming that they will always be there or will come back in stock. That said, you do not need to immediately buy a whole bunch of vials — my doctor told me to buy two, and that feels right to me in terms of cost and hedging your bets. Some sperm banks will give you a refund of half of what you paid for the vial, but only if it hasn’t been shipped (you’re also stuck with another risk calculation there — you can ship multiple vials at once, but then you can’t get a refund).
IUI uses one vial per round to hopefully create one pregnancy, whereas IVF uses one vial to create many embryos (hopefully). If you are doing IVF, they don’t need as much sperm, so it’s worth asking if they’re willing to try doing a “sperm shave.” This means they will defrost part of the vial so you can use it again.
Okay, tests, check, sperm, check. It’s time to get started.
Part One: The Lead-up and the Tests
Part Three: The IUIs
Part Four: Getting Started with IVF and Finding a Clinic
Part Five: Insurance Hell and IVF Costs
Part Six: Egg Retrieval and Needles Galore
Part Seven: Creating Embryos and the Numbers Game
Part Eight: ~*fEEliNgS*~
